Relationship, Rhythm, Release

Rejection. Neglect. Separation. Loss. Alarm. The source of these experiences can come from a variety of places, including the pandemic, the stresses of school, or problems at home. We don't always know what our students struggle with, or what they carry with them from their past, but we don't actually have to know to be able to make a difference.

Emotion as a driving force

The key to making a difference in the lives of our students lies in recognizing what is at the core of any adverse experience: emotion. We are emotional beings. We feel things — at least we are meant to feel and to be affected by our inner and outer world. But feelings can sometimes be too much, especially when it comes to facing something like rejection from a parent or the loss of a loved one. Our brain takes care of this for us. It moves in to protect us from something that would be too much to feel directly. It cuts things off at the pass, at least for the time being, so that we can function in our world without experiencing overwhelming pain. This is a good thing—as long as it is temporary.

At some point—at the end of the day or the week or the month—that guard needs to come down. We need somewhere where we feel safe enough to feel the pain, sadness, disappointment, frustration, and alarm. When we have a safe place to feel, things can move again. Life might still be hard, but we now have a way of moving through it. This is what it means to be resilient. Some confuse resilience with being hardened, seemingly unaffected by difficult circumstances; however, this is not the picture of emotional health. Being emotionally healthy looks different; it means feeling our emotions, messy and painful as they might be, and recognizing that we will survive the rollercoaster ride. True resilience allows us to bounce back from difficult situations and keep moving through life, even though we may be feeling all these uncomfortable emotions.

Resilience explains why some people may suffer trauma but seem to be okay: they adapt and move on, still affected by their world, but able to handle whatever comes their way. Alternately, others get stuck—they do not adapt, they do not appear to be affected by anything, and they never let their guard down. For these children, their defenses have either become stuck or they haven’t had a safe place in their life.

If there is no safe space, the emotions continue to be stirred up but we no longer feel them. Like too much water in a dam, that emotional energy can build and build, increasing the pressure on the dam until it either bursts or leaks in unexpected places. Eruptions of foul frustration, obsessions and phobias, impulsive actions, apathy, self-attack, suicidal ideation—these are all problems stemming from stuck emotion.  

So many of our students are anxious, aggressive, or shut-down. They have lost access to their caring feelings— sometimes for good reason. Maybe life has been too much for them, and they can't afford to care anymore. But they don't have to stay this way. We have the ability to step in and foster the kinds of conditions that can get things moving again. We can make a difference to our students’ emotional health.

Above all, our students need to feel safe. Not just physically safe, but emotionally safe. They need a place where their alarm bells can be silenced for a while. They need somewhere to feel sad or disappointed about the losses and lacks in their life—the traumas that come in all shapes and sizes. Yet sadness and disappointment can be vulnerable feelings, and they are hard for any of us to sit with.

We can't lose sight of the fact that feeling makes us human. We need to be able to read signs of what is going on inside. If we can’t, then we are really in trouble. When we lose access to our feelings, we can lose our sense of alarm, ironically leading us to do alarming things. We can also lose our ability to care about anyone or anything. If we don't care, we can't get hurt. It makes sense—but it makes living and learning rather difficult.

How do we find our way through to our students’ side? The first step is to see our students differently. When we can see that their pain or lack of feeling is a result of their defenses, we can hopefully find some compassion. We can come alongside our students. Instead of seeing them as being difficult intentionally, we can see that underlying their often inappropriate behaviour is a child who is hurting and needs help connecting to their feelings again—or just needs someone to care.

The second step is to help our students get their feelings back. This isn't an easy step, but it’s not impossible. Softening the defenses of a guarded child takes time, patience, warmth, and creativity.

Emotional Safety

How do we provide emotional safety for our students? I am going to suggest three ways we can do this: through relationship, rhythm and release. Each one can make a difference on its own, but when combined they can create powerful transformations.

Relationship

What our students need from us is ... us. They need to know we are there for them, and that they matter. They need someone they can count on who believes in them. Even if you are only there for a short period in a child's life, having that one experience with an adult who cares about them and sees them differently can make a difference.

So many of our students have moved into a place of trying to take care of themselves. They look like they don't need anybody, like they have everything under control. But more often than not, this is actually coming from a place of desperation and defense—it has not been safe to depend on others because people have let them down.

When we can step in and let our students know that it's okay to lean on us, they may gradually start to realize that they can let their guard down—at least a little bit. And it's not so much about what we say—it's about how we make them feel in our presence: invited, accepted, and seen.

Our students need to know that their relationship with us matters more to us than what they do or how they behave. They need to know that nothing will break that connection. Even though we may have to discipline them for their actions, they need to hear from us that our relationship is okay, and that we will get through this together.

Rhythm

When a child is alarmed, life can feel chaotic around them. The ability to count on some structure and routine—a rhythm to their day—can bring down their alarm, at least for a little while. Having routines that one can count on and orient around produces rhythm. For example, greeting or collecting rituals at the beginning of the day or at the start of class help initiate contact and connection, but also provide a way to get a feel for where your students are at. Providing something to look forward to the next day and bridging to the next time of connection gives some predictability to their often unpredictable world. These routines provide some rest and reassurance, some order to their day and to their lives. This, hopefully, will allow them to let their guard down in our presence. When we step in and take care of providing some order in their life, it gives them a break from trying desperately to orchestrate their own care.

Release  

When emotions get stirred up, they need somewhere to go. Finding healthy ways to pre-emptively channel this emotional energy can help to alleviate dangerous or disruptive eruptions. The beauty of this practice is that we don't even have to know what is specifically going on for a child. We are just facilitating a way for the emotion to be expressed and released indirectly in a natural way—whether through music, physical movement, stories or story telling, writing, poetry, drama, art, or even simply being outdoors. All of these outlets are powerful because they help us come closer to feeling our emotions, which is ultimately what we want for our children and for ourselves.

When we work with students who are particularly stuck, we can trip over our own emotional responses. Finding outlets of release for ourselves as adults can be especially helpful, whether that be finding our tears, expressing our frustrations, or bringing down our alarm. This allows us to be more present and available for those who need us.

Words of caution

If we keep in mind matters of development, relationship and emotional health, then certain approaches become counter-indicated. For example, when we tell a child to "calm down" without first giving room for them to express their feelings, it can be like putting a lid on their emotions. It is like saying, "It is not okay to feel what you are feeling." The intention may be good—of course we all want our children to feel calmer and less alarmed—but that will happen naturally if we are able to provide conditions of emotional safety: relationship, rhythm, and release.

We would also want to be careful not to communicate to the child that they are too much to handle or to use what they care about against them, as these practices may further shut them down.

Concluding thoughts

Above all, our students need us to be there for them. When we can recognize what they need, we are more equipped to come alongside them and provide for their needs. Our energy is best invested in finding creative ways to connect with the students that are the most challenging to connect with, and to facilitate outlets of release for those that are the most emotionally stuck. When we can do this, we free them up to learn and to grow—to be receptive and engaged in their classroom and in the world around them.

Tamara Neufeld Strijack is the co-author of Reclaiming Our Students: Why children are more anxious, aggressive and shut-down than ever and what we can do about it (April 2020). She is the academic dean of the Neufeld Institute, where she develops and delivers courses and workshops to help parents, teachers, and helping professionals around the world make sense of children through developmental science. Tamara works as a registered clinical counsellor, parent consultant, and sessional instructor for several universities, where she lectures for both the faculties of education and counselling.

Find her online tamarastrijack.ca